Spirit of Fear

Who has the spirit of fear here?
Ok let me rephrase. Who else can fear around here? (Better right?)
I'm someone that can get easily scared just for nothing. Almost everything gets me worked up and shaky. Wake me in the night and, I'll be all scared and screaming the name of the Lord. Not like I consciously do that because, by day break I won't remember any drama like that. Excuse me!From the last I could remember, I slept so peacefully like the Queen I am so, I'll denyyyy and even get annoyed at some point because, you are LYING. Well, that is how defensive I always am even after hearing it from different people until, my roommates ganged up against me. You won't believe those girls taped my madness on camera and by morn when I got all defensive as usual, it was shown to me.


This was surely my reaction...No! that has to be my twin...I could nat believe heet.

Another spectacular episode was on this very day two years ago. My matriculation day (All thanks to google photos and Facebook for the reminder). I
was rocking my heely shoes refusing to dwell on the fact that the hairstylist who did my hair gave me the aba version of the hairstyle I showed her. My hopes were dashed when I saw a mirror infact, one or two tear escaped my eyes because, my plans to slay and find husband that day had been dashed after hours of sitting pretty and enduring uncountable needle pricks. (Life ain't fair)
Towards evening time when the school compound was decongested, I was walking one of my friends who came to celebrate with me to one of the school's gate where she'll take a bus home when it happened.
We were crossing the road when this car came out from nowhere. Wait first I'll be the last person not to look before crossing the road so, believe me when I say this car came out of NOWHERE.
This driver was coming with top speed but, my feet were rooted in the middle of the road partly from shock but mostly from fear because, I had said my last prayers. I couldn't even hear my friend who had crossed screaming at me to cross too. It was when the car was dangerously near that I came to my senses and made to run but, my shoes had other plans for me because, I fell like a sack of bones (in the middle of a road people...chai) just immediately, the car halted right infront of me. It took the angry cussing from the driver and, the support from my friend before I left the road. That was when I noticed my sprained my ankle and the stares. Someone even had the guts to ask me "you no dey see? Where you keep your mind small girl like this. Abi you are thinking about a boy?". On a normal day, I would have put him in his place but, I was washed with embarrassment.
Well, that was where the escort stopped because as funny as it might sound,She had to hold my hand like a child to cross me back as I began my long walk(no limp) of shame and curious stares to my hostel. Needless to say, I did not find any husband. Infact,who would approach a limping girl with a very dusty outfit topped with a funny hairstyle and a huge frown. Nobody! ( please keep this one safe with you. It's been a "secret" till today)

I was already quite careful while using the road but, after that episode, my fear for roads either busy or, not went up several notches. Now, I can never dare cross a road with a car in sight. I am ready to wait till the road is clear or, there's traffic before meandering my way to the other side(with my heart in my mouth). This can be quite frustrating tho for the person I'm walking with that is, if I am with someone because most times, we'll have to wait several minutes most especially on major roads. "Better late than late" as my mum would always. say. My heart always go out to those that are perfect in crossing a busy road seconds before an oncoming vehicle whizzes past.


Like you can do that? Death must be scared of you.

My fear for roads was what led me to be using motorcycles to move around school in my First year's first semester until it started to tell on my pocket. You can imagine spending the money I don't even have. I just had to borrow sense and, start coping with my 'leggedez benz'. In time, I got used to it. With my earphones connected to music, I can walk miles. Although I don't allow the music too loud for my senses to be blocked. (In my mum's words lol). I won't tell you I always walk-run while crossing roads. (The devil cannur catch me a second time).

I get really scared but, alert whenever I'm alone with an unfamiliar person most especially, of the opposite sex. I just start to rehearse the karate kicks I'm perfect in. (I always practise in my head. Don't try me). I tend to read meaning into every smile, any touch(no matter how slight). I always look for a reason to go away so quickly. Truth is,I just get so paranoid easily that is the reason I avoid taking motorcycles on busy roads and when I have to, prayers never cease from my heart till I arrive my destination because, it's like those motorcyclists have seven lives. From the way they speed, manoeuvring through traffic and not giving a damn about road signs, they sure do. I can recall the time one stopped in the middle of the journey and angrily told me to alight just because, I won't stop gripping his shoulder tightly and screaming. Although embarrassed, I came down jeje and trekked the remaining distance atleast, we did not fall with our heads on the coal tar talk more of it shattering into tiny bloody bits as I had imagined.(He had luck he didn't ask for any money sha).

Before I board any commercial bus, I briefly scan the occupants to see if there is the slightest hint of connivance or cooperation for supposedly strangers, my brain(let me not involve my instict) screams danger. I look for another commercial bus trying my possible best to act indifferent to the venomous insults no matter how deep it touches my fragile soul. I already know what replying especially those conductors could mean. They have already sold their respect and, they have no shame. Some keep empty bottles and, they are not for fancy. Ritual killings with kidnapping stories are all over the news and, I can't take chances.
If the insults and curses from the angry conductors, drivers and some impatient passengers work just as evil as they sound, I would been long dead o...lol. but, my God is alive jare. I also turn into a detective when about to board a keke(tricycle). And even when my brain doesn't scream danger as I board a vehicle, my mouth always remain shut unless when demanding from my change because, if you leave those people, they'll pretend to forget but, will never forget to ask you to pay. Aside that, I either press my phone, have full blown conversations in my head or, let my imaginations run crazy. I just mind my damn business for the fear of having the experience of being hypnotized by fraudsters. I have no money abeg. I know I overdo this most times, I snub anyone that wants to initiate any form of conversation. All my brain tells me is 'they haven't succeeded to lure you into their argument now, they are talking to you directly'. Once I start thinking that way, I get really scared but, try to hide it so, they won't use it as an advantage or, so I think until I alight and, proven wrong. Until then can I be calm.

The list just continues. I try to be always relaxed and not get easily worked up everytime but, it's already in my subconscious. I am just convinced I am wired this way. How else do you explain the type of fear that envelopes me many times I enter an exam hall? From shaky fingers to a slow but steady formatting brain no matter how hard I read. Even the breathing exercise I was adviced on doesn't help Or, how my heart skip beats whenever someone calls my name sharply when I've been alone for long and engrossed in something. Thereby making me all jumpy as though I have been caught doing something wrong Or, why I don't fancy going out at night talk more of alone. I always get this nagging feeling that I'm being followed. Everyone just start to seem like a kidnapper or, murderer and, out to get me.


Just as a disclaimer, I'm not living my life in fear (whatever that means). I just get easily scared almost always.
My mum once said I have the spirit of fear. I just wonder how someone could have the spirit of something. Like, is it that I have a personal spirit in charge of fear allocated to me ? Abi it's just one spirit that is for everyone and it takes turns visiting people but, maybe visits some more than others? Forgive my spookiness abeg. Some things I do make me laugh at myself.(That's after I get over it tho). Fear is an emotion and not a spirit


Thanks for reading this far. It actually mean alot to me. If you are new here, here is a picture of your favourite blogger. (Admit it already)

I know you just gasped. Yels ayam that beautiful.

See you next week and I hope ASUU and FG would have settled by then. I need some fresh air. I don dey over wash plate here ni.
#QueenLikeNono
#SpiritOfFear